"Breaking the Cycle of Generational Trauma: Uncovering Family Secrets"

“What goes on in this house, stays in this house.” For many families, especially in Black households, this statement was an unspoken rule, a mantra passed down through generations. For some, it was a shield—a way to protect the family from outside judgment and nosy outsiders. It was about preserving privacy, keeping negativity at bay, and safeguarding the sanctity of the home. But for others, this phrase was not a shield; it was a chain. In homes where physical, sexual, or emotional abuse lurked, silence wasn’t about protection—it was about preservation. Preservation of the abuser’s power, not the family’s well-being.

There’s a profound difference between secrecy and privacy. Privacy is a boundary; secrecy is a prison. For too many, history has woven a generational pattern of silence, convincing families that their reputation must be protected at all costs—even if it means burying the dysfunction festering within. Meanwhile, the victims, the ones who bear the weight of that silence, are left to navigate the world carrying the stigma of being “the ones with issues.” They become the visible symptoms of a problem no one dares to name.

Silence and secrecy are silent killers. They’ve stolen futures, crushed dreams, eroded health, stifled potential, and shattered peace. They’ve broken trust, silenced voices, and dimmed self-confidence. They’ve even taken lives. This cycle of silence didn’t start with us; it was passed down, a legacy of trauma from our ancestors. Some of us know the truth must be told, but the weight of being the “whistleblower” is heavy. How do you expose the favorite uncle, the beloved auntie, the cool cousin, or the successful sibling? What happens when the perpetrator is the one everyone admires? Too often, the truth is met with disbelief, and the messenger is left isolated, carrying the burden alone.

I’ve seen this play out more times than I care to admit. It’s heartbreaking to know a truth others choose to ignore. I don’t agree with the idea that “they’re family” excuses their actions. If they didn’t think about family when they caused harm, it’s not your job to protect them. Yet, so many of us fall into the trap of silence, carrying secrets that were never ours to bear.

But there’s hope. Each generation is beginning to speak up, to challenge the silence. Sometimes it happens by accident, sometimes through courage. In my experience, you have to catch those moments when the truth slips out, when the walls of secrecy crack. Like the children of Israel guarding the Ark of the Covenant, some hold onto their secrets tightly. But a wound cannot heal if it’s left covered. If keeping their secrets is hurting you, it’s too heavy to carry alone.

These conversations are hard, but they’re necessary. Every time we speak up, we break a chain. Every time we share our truth, we create space for healing. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it. Because silence may have shaped our past, but it doesn’t have to define our future. Together, we can rewrite the narrative—one honest conversation at a time.